Chapter 4—Beginning of Public Labors
Up to this time I had never prayed in public, and had only spoken
a few timid words in prayer meeting. It was now impressed upon me
that I should seek God in prayer at our small social meetings. This
I dared not do, fearful of becoming confused and failing to express
my thoughts. But the duty was impressed upon my mind so forcibly
that when I attempted to pray in secret, I seemed to be mocking God,
because I had failed to obey His will. Despair overwhelmed me, and for
three long weeks no ray of light pierced the gloom that encompassed
me.
My sufferings of mind were intense. Sometimes for a whole night
I would not dare to close my eyes, but would wait until my twin sister
was fast asleep, then quietly leave my bed and kneel upon the floor,
praying silently, with a dumb agony that cannot be described. The
horrors of an eternally burning hell were ever before me. I knew that
it was impossible for me to live long in this state, and I dared not die
and meet the terrible fate of the sinner. With what envy did I regard
those who realized their acceptance with God! How precious did the
Christian’s hope seem to my agonized soul!
I frequently remained bowed in prayer nearly all night, groaning
and trembling with inexpressible anguish, and a hopelessness that
passes all description. “Lord, have mercy!” was my plea, and like the
poor publican I dared not lift my eyes to heaven, but bowed my face
upon the floor. I became very much reduced in flesh and strength, yet
kept my suffering and despair to myself.
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Dream of Temple and Lamb
While in this state of despondency, I had a dream that made a deep
impression upon my mind. I dreamed of seeing a temple, to which
many persons were flocking. Only those who took refuge in that temple
would be saved when time should close; all who remained outside
would be forever lost. The multitudes without who were going about
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