Feelings of Despair
29
I had never prayed in public and had only spoken a few timid words
in prayer meeting. It was now impressed upon me that I should seek
God in prayer at our small social meetings. This I dared not do, fearful
of becoming confused and failing to express my thoughts. But the
duty was impressed upon my mind so forcibly that when I attempted
to pray in secret I seemed to be mocking God because I had failed to
obey His will. Despair overwhelmed me, and for three long weeks no
ray of light pierced the gloom that encompassed me.
My sufferings of mind were intense. Sometimes for a whole night
I would not dare to close my eyes, but would wait until my twin sister
was fast asleep, then quietly leave my bed and kneel upon the floor,
praying silently with a dumb agony that cannot be described. The
horrors of an eternally burning hell were ever before me. I knew that
it was impossible for me to live long in this state, and I dared not die
and meet the terrible fate of the sinner. With what envy did I regard
those who realized their acceptance with God! How precious did the
Christian’s hope seem to my agonized soul!
I frequently remained bowed in prayer nearly all night, groaning
and trembling with inexpressible anguish and a hopelessness that
passes all description. Lord, have mercy! was my plea, and, like the
poor publican, I dared not lift my eyes to heaven, but bowed my face
upon the floor. I became very much reduced in flesh and strength, yet
kept my suffering and despair to myself.
[27]
While in this state of despondency I had a dream that made a deep
impression upon my mind. I dreamed of seeing a temple, to which
many persons were flocking. Only those who took refuge in that temple
would be saved when time should close. All who remained outside
would be forever lost. The multitudes without who were going about
their various ways, derided and ridiculed those who were entering the
temple, and told them that this plan of safety was a cunning deception,
that in fact there was no danger whatever to avoid. They even laid hold
of some to prevent them from hastening within the walls.
Fearing to be ridiculed, I thought best to wait until the multitude
dispersed, or until I could enter unobserved by them. But the numbers
increased instead of diminishing, and fearful of being too late, I hastily
left my home and pressed through the crowd. In my anxiety to reach
the temple I did not notice or care for the throng that surrounded me.
On entering the building, I saw that the vast temple was supported