54
Christian Experience and Teachings of Ellen G. White
troubled or grieved. And when obliged to declare the messages, I
would often soften them down, and make them appear as favorable for
the individual as I could, and then would go by myself and weep in
agony of spirit. I looked upon those who seemed to have only their
own souls to care for, and thought if I were in their condition I would
not murmur. It was hard to relate the plain, cutting testimonies given
me of God. I anxiously watched the result, and if the persons reproved
rose up against the reproof, and afterward opposed the truth, these
queries would arise in my mind: Did I deliver the message just as I
should? Could there not have been some way to save them? And then
[79]
such distress pressed upon my soul that I often felt that death would
be a welcome messenger, and the grave a sweet resting-place.
I did not realize that I was unfaithful in thus questioning and
doubting, and did not see the danger and sin of such a course, until in
vision I was taken into the presence of Jesus. He looked upon me with
a frown, and turned His face from me. It is not possible to describe
the terror and agony I then felt. I fell upon my face before Him, but
had no power to utter a word. Oh, how I longed to be covered and
hid from that dreadful frown! Then could I realize, in some degree,
what the feelings of the lost will be when they cry to the mountains
and rocks, “Fall on us, and hide us from the face of Him that sitteth on
the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb.”
Revelation 6:16
.
Presently an angel bade me rise, and the sight that met my eyes
can hardly be described. Before me was a company whose hair and
garments were torn, and whose countenances were the very picture of
despair and horror. They came close to me, and rubbed their garments
upon mine. As I looked at my garments, I saw that they were stained
with blood. Again I fell like one dead, at the feet of my accompanying
angel. I could not plead one excuse, and longed to be away from that
holy place.
The angel raised me to my feet, and said: “This is not your case
now, but this scene has passed before you to let you know what your
situation must be if you neglect to declare to others what the Lord has
revealed to you. But if you are faithful to the end, you shall eat of the
tree of life, and shall drink of the river of the water of life. You will
[80]
have to suffer much, but the grace of God is sufficient.”
I then felt willing to do all that the Lord might require me to do,
that I might have His approbation, and not feel His dreadful frown.