Strivings Against Doubt
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the condition of the lost. They taught that God proposed to save none
but the sanctified; that the eye of God was upon us always; that God
Himself was keeping the books with the exactness of infinite wisdom;
and that every sin we committed was faithfully registered against us,
and would meet its just punishment.
Satan was represented as eager to seize upon his prey, and bear us
to the lowest depths of anguish, there to exult over our sufferings in
the horrors of an eternally burning hell, where, after the tortures of
thousands upon thousands of years, the fiery billows would roll to the
surface the writhing victims, who would shriek, “How long, O Lord,
how long?” Then the answer would thunder down the abyss, “Through
all eternity!” Again the molten waves would engulf the lost, carrying
them down into the depths of an ever restless sea of fire.
While listening to these terrible descriptions, my imagination
would be so wrought upon that the perspiration would start, and it was
difficult to suppress a cry of anguish, for I seemed already to feel the
pains of perdition. Then the minister would dwell upon the uncertainty
of life: one moment we might be here, and the next in hell; or one
moment on earth, and the next in heaven. Would we choose the lake of
fire and the company of demons, or the bliss of heaven with angels for
our companions? Would we hear the voice of wailing and the cursing
of lost souls through all eternity, or sing the songs of Jesus before the
throne?
Our heavenly Father was presented before my mind as a tyrant,
who delighted in the agonies of the condemned; not as the tender,
pitying Friend of sinners, who loves His creatures with a love past all
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understanding, and desires them to be saved in His kingdom.
When the thought took possession of my mind that God delighted
in the torture of His creatures, who were formed in His image, a wall
of darkness seemed to separate me from Him. When I reflected that
the Creator of the universe would plunge the wicked into hell, there
to burn through the ceaseless rounds of eternity, my heart sank with
fear, and I despaired that so cruel and tyrannical a being would ever
condescend to save me from the doom of sin.
I thought that the fate of the condemned sinner would be mine,—to
endure the flames of hell forever, even as long as God Himself existed.
Almost total darkness settled upon me, and there seemed no way out
of the shadows. Could the truth have been presented to me as I now