My Conversion
19
in darkness and despair, while they, not penetrating my reserve, were
entirely ignorant of my true state.
One evening my brother Robert and myself were returning home
from a meeting where we had listened to a most impressive discourse
on the approaching reign of Christ upon the earth, followed by an
earnest and solemn appeal to Christians and sinners, urging them to
prepare for the judgment and the coming of the Lord. My soul had
been stirred within me by what I had heard. And so deep was the sense
of conviction in my heart, that I feared the Lord would not spare me to
reach home.
These words kept ringing in my ears: “The great day of the Lord is
at hand! Who shall be able to stand when He appeareth!” The language
of my heart was: “Spare me, O Lord, through the night! Take me
not away in my sins, pity me, save me!” For the first time I tried to
explain my feelings to my brother Robert, who was two years older
than myself; I told him that I dared not rest nor sleep until I knew that
God had pardoned my sins.
My brother made no immediate reply, but the cause of his silence
was soon apparent to me; he was weeping in sympathy with my
distress. This encouraged me to confide in him still more, to tell him
that I had coveted death in the days when life seemed so heavy a
burden for me to bear; but now the thought that I might die in my
present sinful state and be eternally lost, filled me with terror. I asked
him if he thought God would spare my life through that one night, if I
spent it agonizing in prayer to Him. He answered: “I think He will if
you ask Him with faith, and I will pray for you and for myself. Ellen,
we must never forget the words we have heard this night.”
[16]
Arriving at home, I spent most of the long hours of darkness in
prayer and tears. One reason that led me to conceal my feelings from
my friends was the dread of hearing a word of discouragement. My
hope was so small, and my faith so weak, that I feared if another took
a similar view of my condition, it would plunge me into despair. Yet I
longed for someone to tell me what I should do to be saved, what steps
to take to meet my Saviour and give myself entirely up to the Lord.
I regarded it a great thing to be a Christian, and felt that it required
some peculiar effort on my part.
My mind remained in this condition for months. I had usually
attended the Methodist meetings with my parents; but since becoming