Feelings of Despair
27
I felt that I could claim only what they called justification. In the
word of God I read that without holiness no man should see God. Then
there was some higher attainment that I must reach before I could be
sure of eternal life. I studied over the subject continually; for I believed
that Christ was soon to come, and feared He would find me unprepared
to meet Him. Words of condemnation rang in my ears day and night,
and my constant cry to God was, What shall I do to be saved?
In my mind the justice of God eclipsed His mercy and love. I had
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been taught to believe in an eternally burning hell, and the horrifying
thought was ever before me that my sins were too great to be forgiven,
and that I should be forever lost. The frightful descriptions that I had
heard of souls in perdition sank deep into my mind. Ministers in the
pulpit drew vivid pictures of the condition of the lost. They taught
that God proposed to save none but the sanctified. The eye of God
was upon us always; every sin was registered and would meet its just
punishment. God Himself was keeping the books with the exactness of
infinite wisdom, and every sin we committed was faithfully recorded
against us.
Satan was represented as eager to seize upon his prey and bear us
to the lowest depths of anguish, there to exult over our sufferings in
the horrors of an eternally burning hell, where, after the tortures of
thousands upon thousands of years, the fiery billows would roll to the
surface the writhing victims, who would shriek: “How long, O Lord,
how long?” Then the answer would thunder down the abyss: “Through
all eternity!” Again the molten waves would engulf the lost, carrying
them down into the depths of an ever-restless sea of fire.
While listening to these terrible descriptions, my imagination
would be so wrought upon that the perspiration would start, and it was
difficult to suppress a cry of anguish, for I seemed to already feel the
pains of perdition. Then the minister would dwell upon the uncertainty
of life. One moment we might be here, and the next in hell, or one
moment on earth, and the next in heaven. Would we choose the lake of
fire and the company of demons, or the bliss of heaven with angels for
our companions? Would we hear the voice of wailing and the cursing
of lost souls through all eternity, or sing the songs of Jesus before the
throne?
Our heavenly Father was presented before my mind as a tyrant,
who delighted in the agonies of the condemned; not the tender, pity-