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Testimonies for the Church Volume 1
confidence that surprised me. At such times I felt willing to do or
suffer anything in order to help others into the light and peace of Jesus.
But it seemed impossible for me to perform this work that was
presented before me; to attempt it seemed certain failure. The trials
attending it appeared more than I could endure. How could I, a child
in years, go forth from place to place, unfolding to the people the holy
truths of God? My heart shrank in terror from the thought. My brother
Robert, but two years older than myself, could not accompany me, for
he was feeble in health and his timidity greater than mine; nothing
could have induced him to take such a step. My father had a family
to support, and could not leave his business; but he assured me that
if God had called me to labor in other places, He would not fail to
open the way for me. But these words of encouragement brought little
comfort to my desponding heart; the path before me seemed hedged
in with difficulties that I was unable to overcome.
I coveted death as a release from the responsibilities that were
crowding upon me. At length the sweet peace I had so long enjoyed
left me, and despair again pressed upon my soul. My prayers all
seemed vain, and my faith was gone. Words of comfort, reproof,
or encouragement were alike to me; for it seemed that no one could
understand me but God, and He had forsaken me. The company of
believers in Portland were ignorant concerning the exercises of my
mind that had brought me into this state of despondency; but they
knew that for some reason my mind had become depressed, and they
felt that this was sinful on my part, considering the gracious manner
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in which the Lord had manifested Himself to me.
I feared that God had taken His favor from me forever. As I
thought of the light that had formerly blessed my soul, it seemed
doubly precious in contrast with the darkness that now enveloped me.
Meetings were held at my father’s house, but my distress of mind was
so great that I did not attend them for some time. My burden grew
heavier until the agony of my spirit seemed more than I could bear.
At length I was induced to be present at one of the meetings in
my own home. The church made my case a special subject of prayer.
Father Pearson, who in my earlier experience had opposed the man-
ifestations of the power of God upon me, now prayed earnestly for
me, and counseled me to surrender my will to the will of the Lord.