Strivings Against Doubt
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take some feeble old man or woman by the hand and find a seat for
them, then return and resume his discourse. He was indeed rightly
called “Father Miller,” for he had a watchful care over those who came
under his ministrations, was affectionate in his manner, of a genial
disposition and tender heart.
He was an interesting speaker, and his exhortations, both to pro-
fessed Christians and the impenitent, were appropriate and powerful.
Sometimes a solemnity so marked as to be painful, pervaded his meet-
ings. A sense of the impending crisis of human events impressed the
minds of the listening crowds. Many yielded to the conviction of the
Spirit of God. Gray-haired men and aged women with trembling steps
sought the anxious seats; those in the strength of maturity, the youth
and children, were deeply stirred. Groans and the voice of weeping
and of praise to God were mingled at the altar of prayer.
I believed the solemn words spoken by the servant of God, and my
heart was pained when they were opposed or made the subject of jest.
I frequently attended the meetings, and believed that Jesus was soon
to come in the clouds of heaven; but my great anxiety was to be ready
to meet Him. My mind constantly dwelt upon the subject of holiness
[28]
of heart. I longed above all things to obtain this great blessing, and
feel that I was entirely accepted of God.
In Perplexity Over Sanctification
Among the Methodists I had heard much in regard to sanctification,
but had no definite idea in regard to it. This blessing seemed away
beyond my reach, a state of purity my heart could never know. I had
seen persons lose their physical strength under the influence of strong
mental excitement, and had heard this pronounced to be the evidence
of sanctification. But I could not comprehend what was necessary in
order to be fully consecrated to God. My Christian friends said to
me: “Believe in Jesus now! Believe that He accepts you now!” This
I tried to do, but found it impossible to believe that I had received a
blessing which, it seemed to me, should electrify my whole being. I
wondered at my own hardness of heart in being unable to experience
the exaltation of spirit that others manifested. It seemed to me that I
was different from them, and forever shut out from the perfect joy of
holiness of heart.