252
Daughters of God
God leads him. We will not get in each other’s way. My heart is fixed,
trusting in God. I shall wait for God to open my way before me
.
I do not think my husband really desires my society. He would be
glad for me to be present at the camp meetings, but he has such views
of me, which he freely has expressed from time to time, that I do not
feel happy in his society, and I never can till he views matters entirely
differently. He charges a good share of his unhappiness upon me,
when he has made it himself by his own lack of self-control. These
things exist, and I cannot be in harmony with him till he views things
differently. He has said too much for me to feel freedom with him in
prayer or to unite with him in labor, therefore as time passes and he
removes nothing out of my way, my duty is plain never to place myself
where he will be tempted to act out his feelings and talk them out as
he has done. I cannot, and will not, be crippled as I have been.—
Letter
65, 1876
(May 12, 1876).
Dear Lucinda,
A letter received from my husband last night shows me that he
is prepared to dictate to me and take positions more trying than ever
[269]
before. I have decided to attend no camp meetings this season. I shall
remain and write. My husband can labor alone best. I am sure I can
.
He writes [that] Walling wants me to bring the children over the
plains to attend the Centennial. But they have crossed the plains for
the last time, to pay out fifty dollars. If he wants them, he can come
and get them. I could send them by Brother Jones, but it would be to
have them no more under my charge. I have too much care to prepare
these children even for a journey. James did not express his mind in
the matter. He takes exceptions to the sketches of life in Signs. Shall
stop just here. He only mentions one thing, the putting in of [Israel]
Dammon’s name. I think he would be satisfied if he had the entire
control of me, soul and body, but this he cannot have. I sometimes
think he is not really a sane man, but I don’t know. May God teach
and lead and guide. His last letter has fully decided me to remain this
side of the mountains
.
He has in his letters to me written harshly in regard to Edson, and
then told me that he did not write to call me out. He did not want
me to make any references to Edson. I wrote thus—I give you the
words, for he has returned the letter: “Will you, please, if you are
happy, to be thankful and not agitate disagreeable matters which you